יום ראשון, אוקטובר 09, 2005
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Rabbi Arthur Scroll
Publisher, The Siddur

Dear Rabbi Scroll:

I am writing to let you know that I have discovered an error in your siddur.

Between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur your wonderful, and generously endowed publication, calls for us to add this paragraph at the end of the Shmoyna Esray:
"B’Sefer Chaim, In The Book of Life, bracha v’shalom, blessing and peace, u’parnasah tovah, and good livelihood, n’zachair, v’n’kataiv l’fanecha, may we be remembered and inscribed before/by you, Anachnu v’chal Amcha Beit Yisrael, We, All of Us, All of Your People, Family of Israel, l’chaim tovim, ul’shalom, for a good life and for peace."
I must say, Rabbi Scroll, when first I saw those words, my skin turned ghost-white, and I let out a scream of incomprehension. All year long we, the Torah True Jews, strive mightily to separate and distance ourselves from those lowlife bums, the rest of God's people, ie: the Family of Israel - and now you want us to pray that they should be included with us in the same Book of Life?

As you well know, the Torah True community has taken many steps to protect itself from contaminatiom. For example: (1) Non Torah True Jews are denied admission to our schools; (2) they are also ignored in the street (if one of them dares to greet us with a shabbos blessing, we reply with the traditional grunt/lookaway); and (3) best of all, we ignore them completely if they enter our shteebles, never extending a hand of welcome, and never God-forbid offering them the amud or an aliyah.

In fact, just last year, my own Torah True community had the opportunity to sanctify God's mame in this regard. Too many of those MO/YU-types had attempted to join our Torah True shteeble, so we responded-- in full and complete keeping with the verse "In the Torah True community hadras melech (the king is glorified)"-- by leaving to start a new shteeble, a shteeble we were careful to make even less inviting and less inclusive.

In light of all this Rabbi Scroll, I think you'll agree that your radical idea about all of us getting put into the same Book of Life is absurd. Therefore, I suggest you consider replacing the offending paragraph with this substitution: In The Book of Life, blessing and peace, and good livelihood, may we be remembered and inscribed before/by you, just us, your special guys, the Torah True Jews, (and for God's sake no one else), for a good life and for peace.

With Torah, Nevim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Torah True Jew
יום שני, אוקטובר 03, 2005
Final negotiations

The Aibishta
King of Kings and Master of All I Survey

Dear Aibishta:

I am writing to confirm our deal for the High Holiday season.

As in past years, I will do the difficult work of attending shul, shushing the YU boys, and pretending to study Talmud during the boring parts of the service. When appropriate, I will also hum along with the chazan, using the authentic and Torah True "tum tum tum" and not that modernishke "la la la." In exchange for these holy offerings, I expect You to deliver the usual: Good health, well-behaved children, a docile wife, the awe of my neighbors, and a fat bank account.

This year, if it's not too much trouble, I would also like You to speak to our Rabbi -either in person or via a dream- about changing the start time for Shabbos davening to 9:30 AM, or later. Getting to shul by borchu when davening starts at 9 is just too much trouble, especially if I want a second piece of cake. If You can convince the Rabbi to change his mind, I'll repay the favor by purchasing a synagouge honor for myself during the Auction Service on Yom Kippur. You can let me know that you've gotten through to the Rabbi by sending me a sign. I suggest you cause that showoff ChaimMudcha Brecher to bid on something during the Auction. When I see that sign, I'll know you want me to bring additional glory to Your name by outbiding him.

Finally, I expect You will be overjoyed to learn that I am celebrating the New Year by accepting a new stringency. No longer will I refer to You in writing as "hay." From now on, I will follow the authentic tradition of our holy forefathers and represent Your name with the less personal and more respectful "daled." Yes, it will take some hard work and stressful effort on my part to make it clear to my friends and neighbors that I have stopped using the "hay," but considering all the favor You have shown me, it is the very least I can do. And I mean that.

With Torah, Nevim and Kesuvim blessings, I am

Torah True Jew
יום שישי, ספטמבר 30, 2005
Paskening on Porn

Dov Lior
Chief Rabbi Kiryat Arba

Dear Rabbi Lior:

I was very glad to see your latest ruling, in which you revealed that a Torah True Jew is permitted to distribute smutty movies to gentiles so long as he also takes money for it. (I had a lowlife day school graduate from our shteeble translate it for me from the non-Torah-True Hebrew.) Your ruling is especially welcome, coming as it has on the eve of Rosh Hashana, because it permits us to be melamed zechus (make excuses) for Torah True Jews who have sinned.

Look, for example, at Jack Abramoff, a Torah True Jew if ever I saw one. Not only did Reb Abramoff open a kosher deli restaurant in Washington D.C, but he also possess an advanced degree in Talmudic Law (Scholar of Talmudic Studies) from Toward Tradition, a most prestigious institution. For a long time I wrinkled my brow, and stroked my long, uncombed beard, trying to find a way to reconcile Reb Abramoff's wonderful attributes with the inescapable fact that he is a crook. Now, thanks to you, I have it: Reb Abramoff ripped off Non-Jews - Indians, even - so surely the Almighty does not count this as a sin.

In conclusion, I wish to ask a favor. My mikve buddy ChaimMudcha Brecher has recently invited me to join his prosperous white-slavery business. If I put my hand under your thigh, and swear to sell the girls to non-Jews only, can I count on you for an approbation?

With Torah, Neviim and Kesuvim blessing, I am

Torah True Jew
יום שבת, מאי 07, 2005
Yom Hashoa

Clyde Haberman
The New York Times

Dear Mr. Haberman:

I am writing to heap fiery condemnations on your column of May 6, 2005, a column which both glorified and celebrated the godless Yom Hashoah commemorations held last week on the Upper West Side.

Let's get something straight, Mr. Haberman: Yom Hashoa is not a Torah True observance. It was invented by secular zionists who frequently engaged in filthy activities such as farming. Farming! Have you ever heard of a Torah True farmer? Of course not!

To make matters worse, those secular zionist farmers scheduled their man-made Yom Hashoa observance during Nissan, the happiest month of the year. In Nissan, it is simply not appropriate to remember the dead. In Nissan, our motto is "who cares about the dead?" In fact, we don't even deliver eulogies in Nissan! True, we do say Yizkor on the last day of Pesach, but that prayer is said for Jews we care about, and not for a bunch of strangers.

Nissan, the happiest month of the year, is also when Torah True Jews begin mourning the 24,000 students of Rabbi Akiva. But, for reasons we've never been told, that display of mourning during Nissan is perfectly okay. Anyway, the real outrage is that those secular nobodies want to dedicate a whole entire day to the 6 million when the 24,000 holy students of Rabbi Akiva are remembered for only 33 days.

In conclusion, I look forward to reading a retraction in your next column in which I expect you to explain why it would better for everyone if the 6 million were remembered on Tisha B'av together with all those other dead Jews who didn't have a teacher named Rabbi Akiva.

With Torah, Nevim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezick
Torah True Jew
יום רביעי, ינואר 19, 2005
Cancel My Subscription

Dear "Rabbi" Student:

It with a heart full of disgust that I write to inform you that I have cancled my subscription to Hirhurim.

Ever since you fired Simcha, and took up the burden of full-time blogging yourself, the publication has gone downhill. For me, the final straw came today when you published a spirited, yet wrongheaded and foolish defense of Rabbi Noson Slifkin.

As Torah True Jews like myself have recently been instructed, Rabbi Slifkin, who we once took to be one of our own, is in fact a heretic. The Sages have spoken, in one, pure, Pravda-like voice, and only a fool, an evil-doer, or a YU Boy would dare to ignore them. Which are you?

Though this Slifkin defense was the final nail in your coffin, I confess that I have been suspicious of you for quite some time. First, there is the matter of the name you gave to your blog. "Hirhurim?" Excuse me, but in yeshiva it was made clear that "hirhurim" are filthy thoughts. Frequently, our Rabbis exorted us against the sin of having "hirhurim." A Torah True Jew does not give to his blog such a title. It's a plain sign of your mental and moral corruption.

Second, there is the language you use to express yourself. Not only do you write in English, rather than a Torah True language like Yiddish, but your English is conspicuously mistake-free. A Torah True Jew does not permit himself this luxury, preferring to demonstrate his humility by littering his prose with errors of diction and grammer. Clearly, you were not educated in a Torah True institution, and this counts against you.

Finally, there is your blog's comment section. Why do you allow heretics to respond? Why do you give free-thinkers a forum for speaking their minds? A Torah True conversation is a one way street. It goes like this. (1) The Rabbi speaks. (2) The people listen. (3)The end. (See, for example, the comment free post published at Cross Currents by HaRav Yitzchok Adlerstein.) As Cross Current's example show us, feedback, requests for clarification, and follow-up questions are for the goyim. You will note, for example, that my own blog does not permit comments, and no one is more Torah True than YitzhakEyezik.

In closing, I wish to thank you for introducing me to other Torah True Jews, Jews like Shimon, a wise and just Torah True Jew if ever there was one. I expect Shimon and I will become close friends. I can tell from the heterosexual vigor of his comments on your blog that Shimon is exactly the sort of manly man that would not object to hugging and kissing me at simchot and other special occasions. I like that.

With Torah, Neviim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezick
Torah True Jew

יום שלישי, ינואר 18, 2005
Welcome to Camp Aishes Chayil

Dear Shmarya:

I was tickled pink... no wait, that sounds socialist and femminine... I was tickled a manly shade of blue... no, no, that's Zionistic, and I'm not. Let's take three:

Dear Shmarya,

My soul turned black as coal when I read about your plan to open Camp Dogma. Though I welcome any attempt to put heretics and YU boys in their proper place, ie, Siberia, I don't think those srugy-wearing non-believers can be rehabilitated. Even if they could be compelled, via torture, to wear black hats, who would marry them? No Shmarya, I am afraid it's too late for these sinners, as the Book of Jonah teaches.

But it isn't too late to do something to further the education of our young women. I write hoping you'll agree to put your formidable camping expertise behind my newest venture: Camp Aishes Chayil.

Here is typical day's schedule for Camp Aishes Chayil.

6:30 Wake up
7:00 Bunk cleaning
7:30 Cook breakfast
8:00 Serve breakfast
9:00 Clean up breakfast
9:30 Tehillim
10:00 Choose one: Visiting the sick / Bad-mouthing the poor / Condecending to the needy
11:30 Cook lunch
12:00 Serve lunch
1:00 Clean up lunch
1:30 Tehillim
2:00 Choose one: Cooking / Baking / Sewing / Cleaning / Head shaving.
4:00 Cook dinner
5:00 Serve Dinner
6:00 Clean up dinner
6:30 Tehillim
7:00 Choose one: How to dress so no one will notice you / Making your husband your ultimate authority / Obedience through silence.

Doesn't this sound great? Wouldn't any Torah True Jew pay through his nose for the chance to send his daughter to a summer camp like this? As you can see, it prepares them for real life and trains them to be Torah True helpmeets. And, of course, if any YU-inspired type "Jew" dares to express a contrary opinion, I'm sure your friends in the Haredi Rabbinate will gladly make attending Camp Aishes Chayil a mandatory obligation.

Please let me hear from you, Shmarya, regarding this proposal. I'm eager to begin, and the Summer fast approaches.

With Torah, Nevim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezick
Torah True Jew

יום ראשון, ינואר 16, 2005
On the sixth day, God created dinosaurs

HaRav Elya Ber Wachtfogel
Rosh Yeshiva,Yeshivas South Fallsberg

HaRav Yitzchok Sheiner
Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Kamenitz

Dear Rabbis,

I am writing to express my heartfelt glee regarding the ban on evil books you have recently propagated. Nothing makes me happier than seeing posters, in public, on walls in Jerusalem condemning other Jews and their books. If this sort of bold declaration doesn't bring Moshiach, I don't know what will

I especially liked your statement, Rav Wachtfogel, about the infallibility of our holy, divinely inspired, sages. According to Deih V'dibur, a wonderful Torah publication, though they appear on the treif Internet, you said: And he [Slifkin the heretic] also writes that Chazal Hakedoshim can err chas vesholom in worldly matters chas vesholom and therefore [they can err] in halochoh as well chas vesholom, as he wrongly proves from maseches Horayos"

To my deep shame and embaressment, my shul has yet to expel a few rebellious and kofer-dik YU boys, who have said, within earshot of the Sefer Torah, that Sages are falliable. Though I have done my best, via my hat and jacket, to demonstrate the superiority of my hashkofa, and the wrongness of their position, these boys refuse to see their error. I am positive their attitude will improve once I show them Rav Wachtfogel's brilliant, yet fabulously logical denial of both Leviticus 4:13-21 and the first mishna in Horayot.

As your ban makes clear: Science is the Yetzer Hara's playground. The Yetzer Hara, or Satan as my very close Christians friends call him, subverts our respect for God and the Sages by dazzling us with fancy theories and the statements of Rishonim and Achronim. Your ban rejects Satan's science and Satan's sages and instead gives us the pure, unadulterated, science of the Bible. I, for one, couldn't be happier, and I look forward to using this ban to humiliate my neighbors, and to further deepen the already-deep divisions between Jews.

With Torah, Nevim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezik,
Torah True Jew

PS: I know you're both busy researching the next eagerlly-awaited ban, but if you have time please review the works of Dr. Kent Hovind. You'll like him. He sounds like our kind of man, and I trust him the way I trust all Christians. Like me, he and his people believe in God, hate gays, and oppose abortion. As Hillel said, the rest is commentary.

יום שבת, דצמבר 25, 2004
Cell Phone Ban

Dear gedolei Yisroel:

I was excited and pleased to learn via an article I saw on the World Wide Web that you have banned and forbidden the use of cell phones with Internet access, on the grounds that these devices cause spiritual decline. Though I was confused at first, having been taught by the posters I have seen on walls and telephone poles that short skirts and irreligious Jews are the cause of all the trouble in the world, I quickly reconciled myself to your new declaration.

I was also surprised to learn, from an article that appeared in Ha'modia, that cell phones with Internet access are a source of physical harm. At first, this was difficult for me to understand. Physical harm? Unable, as I am, to tolerate a state of less than perfect and absolute clarity, I employed my usual methods for uncovering truth and elimininating confusion, ie: gorel hagrah, giving extra tzedakkah, etc.

Boruch Hashem, I was soon zocheh to understand precisely the sort of physical harm that can be caused by cell phones that have Internet access. The answer, of course, is hairy palms and acne pimples. (And it may interest you to know that when I was in yeshiva we found that Nair and Retin-A are useful cures to these predicaments.)

Finally, I must close with a word of warning. In the United States, another group of righteous and well-meaning Jews, known as the ACLU, have launched a crusade against another cause of spiritual decline, ie: public displays of Christmas. Unfortunately, a few Jewish newspapers columnists are opposing them vigorously.

I hope your good work is not similarly resisted.

With Torah, Nevim, and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Torah True Jew

יום ראשון, דצמבר 19, 2004
For the Love of Torah

Meir Porush
Member of Knesset

Dear MK Porush:

Tears filled my eyes when I read your words about the Israeli High Court of Justice’s ruling yesterday. Like you, I believe that a person who knows the Talmud knows everything that must be learned. While it’s true, that mahderniskas, bums, liberals and Rishonim are alleged to have encouraged the study of astronomy, math and medicine, I have it on excellent authority that none of them wore fedoras, humbergs or shtreimals, so you are correct to reject their teachings.

If this travesty continues some of our young men might become self-sufficient. As you know, the study of adding certainly leads to the study of subtraction; and from this mixing with gentiles and women inevitably follows.

Like you, I long for the good old days when Torah True Jews were free to live in abject poverty with no assistance, nor protection from the local government. Your associate, the brave and knowledgeable principal of the Mesora Talmud Torah, Rabbi Benzion Kugler, made the point strongly when he said: “The manner of teaching in the yeshivas is a tradition that goes back hundreds, if not thousands, of years.” Thankfully, I have not been corrupted by the study of history so I lack the ability to point out, with all respect, that his own tradition of accepting millions and millions of shequels of support per year from the national government is a tradition his illustrious predecesors did not follow.

In conclusion, I apologize for writing you in English, but, as I am sure you'll be pleased to learn, none of our local Yiddish speakers know how to operate the computer. I hope you can find a ba'll teshuva, or perhaps a woman, who reads English and can put my words back into the authentic Yiddish. Meanwhile, I promise to follow in your exalted footsteps and accept nothing but money from those lost, yet wealthy Jews who have comitted the sin of studying subjects other than Talmud.

With Torah, Navi and Ketuvim Blessings,

Torah True Jew

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