יום שבת, דצמבר 25, 2004
Cell Phone Ban

Dear gedolei Yisroel:

I was excited and pleased to learn via an article I saw on the World Wide Web that you have banned and forbidden the use of cell phones with Internet access, on the grounds that these devices cause spiritual decline. Though I was confused at first, having been taught by the posters I have seen on walls and telephone poles that short skirts and irreligious Jews are the cause of all the trouble in the world, I quickly reconciled myself to your new declaration.

I was also surprised to learn, from an article that appeared in Ha'modia, that cell phones with Internet access are a source of physical harm. At first, this was difficult for me to understand. Physical harm? Unable, as I am, to tolerate a state of less than perfect and absolute clarity, I employed my usual methods for uncovering truth and elimininating confusion, ie: gorel hagrah, giving extra tzedakkah, etc.

Boruch Hashem, I was soon zocheh to understand precisely the sort of physical harm that can be caused by cell phones that have Internet access. The answer, of course, is hairy palms and acne pimples. (And it may interest you to know that when I was in yeshiva we found that Nair and Retin-A are useful cures to these predicaments.)

Finally, I must close with a word of warning. In the United States, another group of righteous and well-meaning Jews, known as the ACLU, have launched a crusade against another cause of spiritual decline, ie: public displays of Christmas. Unfortunately, a few Jewish newspapers columnists are opposing them vigorously.

I hope your good work is not similarly resisted.

With Torah, Nevim, and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Torah True Jew

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