יום שבת, דצמבר 25, 2004
Cell Phone Ban

Dear gedolei Yisroel:

I was excited and pleased to learn via an article I saw on the World Wide Web that you have banned and forbidden the use of cell phones with Internet access, on the grounds that these devices cause spiritual decline. Though I was confused at first, having been taught by the posters I have seen on walls and telephone poles that short skirts and irreligious Jews are the cause of all the trouble in the world, I quickly reconciled myself to your new declaration.

I was also surprised to learn, from an article that appeared in Ha'modia, that cell phones with Internet access are a source of physical harm. At first, this was difficult for me to understand. Physical harm? Unable, as I am, to tolerate a state of less than perfect and absolute clarity, I employed my usual methods for uncovering truth and elimininating confusion, ie: gorel hagrah, giving extra tzedakkah, etc.

Boruch Hashem, I was soon zocheh to understand precisely the sort of physical harm that can be caused by cell phones that have Internet access. The answer, of course, is hairy palms and acne pimples. (And it may interest you to know that when I was in yeshiva we found that Nair and Retin-A are useful cures to these predicaments.)

Finally, I must close with a word of warning. In the United States, another group of righteous and well-meaning Jews, known as the ACLU, have launched a crusade against another cause of spiritual decline, ie: public displays of Christmas. Unfortunately, a few Jewish newspapers columnists are opposing them vigorously.

I hope your good work is not similarly resisted.

With Torah, Nevim, and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Torah True Jew

יום ראשון, דצמבר 19, 2004
For the Love of Torah

Meir Porush
Member of Knesset

Dear MK Porush:

Tears filled my eyes when I read your words about the Israeli High Court of Justice’s ruling yesterday. Like you, I believe that a person who knows the Talmud knows everything that must be learned. While it’s true, that mahderniskas, bums, liberals and Rishonim are alleged to have encouraged the study of astronomy, math and medicine, I have it on excellent authority that none of them wore fedoras, humbergs or shtreimals, so you are correct to reject their teachings.

If this travesty continues some of our young men might become self-sufficient. As you know, the study of adding certainly leads to the study of subtraction; and from this mixing with gentiles and women inevitably follows.

Like you, I long for the good old days when Torah True Jews were free to live in abject poverty with no assistance, nor protection from the local government. Your associate, the brave and knowledgeable principal of the Mesora Talmud Torah, Rabbi Benzion Kugler, made the point strongly when he said: “The manner of teaching in the yeshivas is a tradition that goes back hundreds, if not thousands, of years.” Thankfully, I have not been corrupted by the study of history so I lack the ability to point out, with all respect, that his own tradition of accepting millions and millions of shequels of support per year from the national government is a tradition his illustrious predecesors did not follow.

In conclusion, I apologize for writing you in English, but, as I am sure you'll be pleased to learn, none of our local Yiddish speakers know how to operate the computer. I hope you can find a ba'll teshuva, or perhaps a woman, who reads English and can put my words back into the authentic Yiddish. Meanwhile, I promise to follow in your exalted footsteps and accept nothing but money from those lost, yet wealthy Jews who have comitted the sin of studying subjects other than Talmud.

With Torah, Navi and Ketuvim Blessings,

Torah True Jew

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