יום רביעי, ינואר 19, 2005
Cancel My Subscription

Dear "Rabbi" Student:

It with a heart full of disgust that I write to inform you that I have cancled my subscription to Hirhurim.

Ever since you fired Simcha, and took up the burden of full-time blogging yourself, the publication has gone downhill. For me, the final straw came today when you published a spirited, yet wrongheaded and foolish defense of Rabbi Noson Slifkin.

As Torah True Jews like myself have recently been instructed, Rabbi Slifkin, who we once took to be one of our own, is in fact a heretic. The Sages have spoken, in one, pure, Pravda-like voice, and only a fool, an evil-doer, or a YU Boy would dare to ignore them. Which are you?

Though this Slifkin defense was the final nail in your coffin, I confess that I have been suspicious of you for quite some time. First, there is the matter of the name you gave to your blog. "Hirhurim?" Excuse me, but in yeshiva it was made clear that "hirhurim" are filthy thoughts. Frequently, our Rabbis exorted us against the sin of having "hirhurim." A Torah True Jew does not give to his blog such a title. It's a plain sign of your mental and moral corruption.

Second, there is the language you use to express yourself. Not only do you write in English, rather than a Torah True language like Yiddish, but your English is conspicuously mistake-free. A Torah True Jew does not permit himself this luxury, preferring to demonstrate his humility by littering his prose with errors of diction and grammer. Clearly, you were not educated in a Torah True institution, and this counts against you.

Finally, there is your blog's comment section. Why do you allow heretics to respond? Why do you give free-thinkers a forum for speaking their minds? A Torah True conversation is a one way street. It goes like this. (1) The Rabbi speaks. (2) The people listen. (3)The end. (See, for example, the comment free post published at Cross Currents by HaRav Yitzchok Adlerstein.) As Cross Current's example show us, feedback, requests for clarification, and follow-up questions are for the goyim. You will note, for example, that my own blog does not permit comments, and no one is more Torah True than YitzhakEyezik.

In closing, I wish to thank you for introducing me to other Torah True Jews, Jews like Shimon, a wise and just Torah True Jew if ever there was one. I expect Shimon and I will become close friends. I can tell from the heterosexual vigor of his comments on your blog that Shimon is exactly the sort of manly man that would not object to hugging and kissing me at simchot and other special occasions. I like that.

With Torah, Neviim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezick
Torah True Jew

יום שלישי, ינואר 18, 2005
Welcome to Camp Aishes Chayil

Dear Shmarya:

I was tickled pink... no wait, that sounds socialist and femminine... I was tickled a manly shade of blue... no, no, that's Zionistic, and I'm not. Let's take three:

Dear Shmarya,

My soul turned black as coal when I read about your plan to open Camp Dogma. Though I welcome any attempt to put heretics and YU boys in their proper place, ie, Siberia, I don't think those srugy-wearing non-believers can be rehabilitated. Even if they could be compelled, via torture, to wear black hats, who would marry them? No Shmarya, I am afraid it's too late for these sinners, as the Book of Jonah teaches.

But it isn't too late to do something to further the education of our young women. I write hoping you'll agree to put your formidable camping expertise behind my newest venture: Camp Aishes Chayil.

Here is typical day's schedule for Camp Aishes Chayil.

6:30 Wake up
7:00 Bunk cleaning
7:30 Cook breakfast
8:00 Serve breakfast
9:00 Clean up breakfast
9:30 Tehillim
10:00 Choose one: Visiting the sick / Bad-mouthing the poor / Condecending to the needy
11:30 Cook lunch
12:00 Serve lunch
1:00 Clean up lunch
1:30 Tehillim
2:00 Choose one: Cooking / Baking / Sewing / Cleaning / Head shaving.
4:00 Cook dinner
5:00 Serve Dinner
6:00 Clean up dinner
6:30 Tehillim
7:00 Choose one: How to dress so no one will notice you / Making your husband your ultimate authority / Obedience through silence.

Doesn't this sound great? Wouldn't any Torah True Jew pay through his nose for the chance to send his daughter to a summer camp like this? As you can see, it prepares them for real life and trains them to be Torah True helpmeets. And, of course, if any YU-inspired type "Jew" dares to express a contrary opinion, I'm sure your friends in the Haredi Rabbinate will gladly make attending Camp Aishes Chayil a mandatory obligation.

Please let me hear from you, Shmarya, regarding this proposal. I'm eager to begin, and the Summer fast approaches.

With Torah, Nevim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezick
Torah True Jew

יום ראשון, ינואר 16, 2005
On the sixth day, God created dinosaurs

HaRav Elya Ber Wachtfogel
Rosh Yeshiva,Yeshivas South Fallsberg

HaRav Yitzchok Sheiner
Rosh Yeshiva, Yeshivas Kamenitz

Dear Rabbis,

I am writing to express my heartfelt glee regarding the ban on evil books you have recently propagated. Nothing makes me happier than seeing posters, in public, on walls in Jerusalem condemning other Jews and their books. If this sort of bold declaration doesn't bring Moshiach, I don't know what will

I especially liked your statement, Rav Wachtfogel, about the infallibility of our holy, divinely inspired, sages. According to Deih V'dibur, a wonderful Torah publication, though they appear on the treif Internet, you said: And he [Slifkin the heretic] also writes that Chazal Hakedoshim can err chas vesholom in worldly matters chas vesholom and therefore [they can err] in halochoh as well chas vesholom, as he wrongly proves from maseches Horayos"

To my deep shame and embaressment, my shul has yet to expel a few rebellious and kofer-dik YU boys, who have said, within earshot of the Sefer Torah, that Sages are falliable. Though I have done my best, via my hat and jacket, to demonstrate the superiority of my hashkofa, and the wrongness of their position, these boys refuse to see their error. I am positive their attitude will improve once I show them Rav Wachtfogel's brilliant, yet fabulously logical denial of both Leviticus 4:13-21 and the first mishna in Horayot.

As your ban makes clear: Science is the Yetzer Hara's playground. The Yetzer Hara, or Satan as my very close Christians friends call him, subverts our respect for God and the Sages by dazzling us with fancy theories and the statements of Rishonim and Achronim. Your ban rejects Satan's science and Satan's sages and instead gives us the pure, unadulterated, science of the Bible. I, for one, couldn't be happier, and I look forward to using this ban to humiliate my neighbors, and to further deepen the already-deep divisions between Jews.

With Torah, Nevim and Ketuvim blessings, I am

Yitzhak Eyezik,
Torah True Jew

PS: I know you're both busy researching the next eagerlly-awaited ban, but if you have time please review the works of Dr. Kent Hovind. You'll like him. He sounds like our kind of man, and I trust him the way I trust all Christians. Like me, he and his people believe in God, hate gays, and oppose abortion. As Hillel said, the rest is commentary.

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