יום שני, אוקטובר 03, 2005
Final negotiations

The Aibishta
King of Kings and Master of All I Survey

Dear Aibishta:

I am writing to confirm our deal for the High Holiday season.

As in past years, I will do the difficult work of attending shul, shushing the YU boys, and pretending to study Talmud during the boring parts of the service. When appropriate, I will also hum along with the chazan, using the authentic and Torah True "tum tum tum" and not that modernishke "la la la." In exchange for these holy offerings, I expect You to deliver the usual: Good health, well-behaved children, a docile wife, the awe of my neighbors, and a fat bank account.

This year, if it's not too much trouble, I would also like You to speak to our Rabbi -either in person or via a dream- about changing the start time for Shabbos davening to 9:30 AM, or later. Getting to shul by borchu when davening starts at 9 is just too much trouble, especially if I want a second piece of cake. If You can convince the Rabbi to change his mind, I'll repay the favor by purchasing a synagouge honor for myself during the Auction Service on Yom Kippur. You can let me know that you've gotten through to the Rabbi by sending me a sign. I suggest you cause that showoff ChaimMudcha Brecher to bid on something during the Auction. When I see that sign, I'll know you want me to bring additional glory to Your name by outbiding him.

Finally, I expect You will be overjoyed to learn that I am celebrating the New Year by accepting a new stringency. No longer will I refer to You in writing as "hay." From now on, I will follow the authentic tradition of our holy forefathers and represent Your name with the less personal and more respectful "daled." Yes, it will take some hard work and stressful effort on my part to make it clear to my friends and neighbors that I have stopped using the "hay," but considering all the favor You have shown me, it is the very least I can do. And I mean that.

With Torah, Nevim and Kesuvim blessings, I am

Torah True Jew

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